WELL MANNERED DOES NOT MEAN MILD MANNERED

If you were brutally honest with yourself, would you say that you work hard at "keeping up appearances"?  Are you terrified at what others think of you and, to avoid criticism are obsessed with doing everything right?   Must you send your correspondence on the most expensive stationery?  Worry about your taste and whether or not it's working for you?  Make birth or wealth the sole criterion of worth even if you don't admit it out loud?  Deep down, do you care more about gaining approval from others rather than respect?

About 80 percent of our population is trapped in this anxious mentality and suffers from social anxiety and the need to be liked.  Etiquette, manners and protocol are not techniques for seeking and gaining approval for doing the "correct" thing.  Manners are based on cultural norms and the common courtesies of life.  They help us navigate new or challenging situations when we're not sure how.

To challenge your mindset, think of ways you compare yourself to others in an anxious struggle to "keep up appearances".  Notice how uncomfortable this makes you and others feel.  Are you narrowing your life because you don't want to offend anyone? Seeking approval from others and "being nice" is not what manners are about.  There is a saying, "being well-mannered does not mean being mild-mannered."

We recommend a book to help you improve the quality of your life and your relationships if you realize that your behavior reflects fear of being disliked.  It's never too late to develop new habits of self-respect rather than hide behind a curtain of wanting to be liked and feeling trapped in mediocrity.

Attribution by permission of the author:
Approval Addiction:  The Silent Killer of Success, by Steve Siebold.
Published by London House, USA 2025