With the holidays approaching many people are talking about hosting "a nice high tea" with visions of an elegant, elevated affair dancing in their heads.  Historically, high tea is "meat tea" served at the end of a workday around 6p.m.  It is a hearty meal of bread, soup and comfort foods such as shepherd's pie.
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The distinction between high and low tea refers to the height of the table not the fare itself.  Afternoon tea is 'low tea' because it was originally served in the afternoon on a low tea table.  The classic afternoon tea  features a snacking menu:

• COURSE 1 - finger sandwiches 
• COURSE 2 - scones with jam and cream
• COURSE 3 - desserts, petit fours

And, of course, hot teas of various flavors.  Champagne if desired.

​Now that you know the difference between high and low tea, here are some important tea etiquette tips:

• When holding a tea cup, don't wing out your pinky finger.  This is an affectation.
• Don't blow on hot tea to cool it down.
• Some tea rooms take the words 'finger foods' literally and do not give you a fork or a spoon, just a small butter knife.  Never eat food from the edge of your knife.  Ask for a fork if you are uncomfortable eating with your fingers.
• Afternoon tea can be fancy or simple.  Make sure to know how to set the tea table and the serving protocol. 

If you were brutally honest with yourself, would you say that you work hard at "keeping up appearances"?  Are you terrified at what others think of you and, to avoid criticism are obsessed with doing everything right?   Must you send your correspondence on the most expensive stationery?  Worry about your taste and whether or not it's working for you?  Make birth or wealth the sole criterion of worth even if you don't admit it out loud?  Deep down, do you care more about gaining approval from others rather than respect?

About 80 percent of our population is trapped in this anxious mentality and suffers from social anxiety and the need to be liked.  Etiquette, manners and protocol are not techniques for seeking and gaining approval for doing the "correct" thing.  Manners are based on cultural norms and the common courtesies of life.  They help us navigate new or challenging situations when we're not sure how.

To challenge your mindset, think of ways you compare yourself to others in an anxious struggle to "keep up appearances".  Notice how uncomfortable this makes you and others feel.  Are you narrowing your life because you don't want to offend anyone? Seeking approval from others and "being nice" is not what manners are about.  There is a saying, "being well-mannered does not mean being mild-mannered."

We recommend a book to help you improve the quality of your life and your relationships if you realize that your behavior reflects fear of being disliked.  It's never too late to develop new habits of self-respect rather than hide behind a curtain of wanting to be liked and feeling trapped in mediocrity.

Attribution by permission of the author:
Approval Addiction:  The Silent Killer of Success, by Steve Siebold.
Published by London House, USA 2025